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The good, the bad, and ugly will come soon.

So it has been a few weeks since my last blog post and I am sure I left a few people wondering where things stand in my life.  I least I hear the chants coming from the Ukraine…”Beeg Guy where you been, what is happeneeeeng with you?”

Well to let everyone know the reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated and I am still alive and kicking.  So just to bring everyone up to speed as to where I stand in weight loss and life.  First the weight loss.  As of this morning on my new “unofficial” scale I am currently down 122 lbs.  I am inching closer to the point where my waist size will start with a 4 and my weight will start with a 2.  That will be a happy day when I get back down to those measurements.  At least I am now starting to fit back comfortably in 3X clothes.  Currently I have lost about 12 inches on my waist and 3 inches on my collar size.  So these are all great things, and I am pretty happy with all of my success.  My goal was to be at an even 300lbs by my birthday, and I am not quite sure I will make that goal, but it was an aggressive goal and if I fall a little short I won’t be to terribly disappointed.

Okay…so let’s cover the personal stuff.  So I know I signed off with the last post talking about going down the divorce road.  This has not changed and is becoming a very real thing.  So just to give to the facts and maybe a little more.  Though to protect the innocent and not so innocent I won’t be sharing everything with you.

So to give you the facts…I am currently separated from my spouse and I am living in what I would call Club Fed.  Basically it is a really nice jail cell…err efficiency type apartment at an extended stay hotel.  I know what you are thinking…some seedy place where hooks, pimps and drug addicts reside.  So far from what I can see it has been more like transient energy workers and thers that may be in the same situation as myself as well as a people coming in for major events in the area.

I am going on 4 weeks of being separated and I don’t see this situation changing and will most likely be definite.  Let me set the record straight by saying I am NOT happy about this, while my spouse may feel that this isn’t the case I am far from being happy about our situation, but I am a realist and I don’t think that ultimately we will ever be able to resolve our differences. So at this point I need to get on with my life and figure out how to rebuild it in the next 18 years so I have a shot at retirement.  Until then, my favorite word is “downsize.”  I am downsizing my life and my body at the same time, and hopefully when it is all said and done I will come out of this as a much happier person.  I will take the good and the bad, because sooner or later I know ugly will show its head.

The funny thing with this is I am also downsizing my friend base along with this.  Many of our mutual friends will be put into this quandry of who do they “side” with between my spouse and I.  I also find it funny that there are some friends that when they find out about the situation are unbelievably generous and offer couches, spare bedrooms and call to offer their moral support.  I guess that isn’t funny it is great to have a friend network like that.  The thing I do find funny is others that I have considered friends have run the other way and seemingly stuck their head in the sand when they find out. It is like I have a disease, or they are worried that if they call me they are going to get ”grumpy Gus” or the poor little ol’ me on the other end of the phone.  Which really is not the case…actually my spirits are mainly good and I really am not interested in talking about the situation as much as I am trying to move on with other aspects of my life. I am not looking for charity or pity from anyone, this bed was made by no one other than myself, but this has been somewhat eye opening to find out who your friends are and those that pretend to be one.

So for now I live to fight another day and I continue successfully on my weight loss journey.

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Lies, damn lies and statistics….

Hello loyal readers!  I know…it has been a few weeks since my last post and I am well over due for a lengthy blog post.  This may or may not be it.  It all depends on how much I decide to share with you today.  There is much for me to get off my chest so let’s get down to it and let the blogging begin.

So first up on the this blog post is my current weight loss.  I had my “3 month” (it was a week or so past the 12 week mark)check-up this week with the surgeon.  So here are how the numbers break down on the “official” scale.   Since February 28th, the day I went on my liquid diet and the official high water mark of my weight of 435 lbs,  I am currently down a total of 109 lbs! 88 of these pounds was shed post surgery since March 28th.  This averages overall losing just a little less than a pound a day!  By those standards I should have no issues getting to my goal weight sooner than next August. I do realize that the next 100 lbs will come off much more slowly, but I am confident that I will get to a healthy weight by my original goal of August 2014.  At this point I am down to taking almost no prescribed meds and just the daily vitamin supplements that I will always have to take.  My BP was an amazing 105/70 and all of my other numbers were good from the blood work I did the week before.  Te only thing that was a little low was my iron count, but if I do a better job of taking my daily vitamins, that should fall in line.

So for the six loyal readers in the United States and the masses in the Ukraine, if you have followed along on my blog from the beginning this next revelation will maybe come as a surprise to you, though it probably will not be earth shattering.  So before getting to the revelation, I first want to talk about the emotional roller coaster that I have been on for the last 3 or 4 years and try to maybe fill in a few blanks for people, and if you are morbidly obese, you are probably getting some third party validation.

So if I go back a few years and try to diagnose myself I guess I would say that somewhere along the line I could have been diagnosed as being clinically depressed. What was causing this depression?  Well here is a shocker…it was my mainly my weight and the huge weight gain I was experiencing.  I am sure there were some other factors, but if we are talking root cause..well it was probably as simple as standing in front of a mirror naked.  Everything else…was just piling on.  In general I didn’t feel good about myself and I had a certain amount of self loathing going on. As time went on and I “let myself go” the weight piled on exponentially and any of my meager attempts to control it or lose weight were short lived and ultimately a failure.  Now let me preface this by saying I have been “overweight” for much of my life.  I would say that there are only a hand full of years since in my adult life that I wouldn’t be considered with a BMI category of obese.  However, I reached a critical mass (some pun intended) with my weight in late 2011 and probably at that time it was the height of my depression.  I was weighing over 400 lbs, was extremely sedentary and in general I was making a lot of excuses not to do things based on my weight because I was embarrassed by myself and was extremely self conscious.  I alienated myself from my friends and my family and I went to work and came home and was a hermit.

I know ultimately this took a toll on my spouse and to a certain degree the entire family was certainly affected.  In looking back I realize my spouse tried to reach out to me and get me to go get help as early as the beginning of 2011. Unfortunately I wasn’t ready to go get the help I so desperately needed at that time; and it took me the better part of 2011 and into 2012 before I came to the realization that I was literally dying in front of my family day by day sitting on the couch. By the time I recognized that I was slowly killing myself it appears at that time my spouse gave up on me.  When I say gave up on me…I guess what I mean is that she encapsulated her feelings and decided that she would do what she needed to do to keep the family going and try to keep her own healthy outlook.  Unfortunately when the time came for me to decide that I wanted to change my life and be a better father and husband she dismissed my sincerity and in turn did not have a whole lot of support to give me.

I know many of my readers have never been morbidly obese and don’t understand the psyche of a person that is.  It is easy to say, what the fuck are you doing?  Stop killing yourself with food, eat the right things and move a little.  Unfortunately from the other side of the fence it isn’t that easy and while most of us are intelligent people and know what we are doing is wrong. However, we still continue to go down the path of self destruction very willingly.  It is no different than any other addict.  When I drank to excess I knew it was wrong…I knew I was damaging my health, it didn’t stop me from taking one more or a dozen more drinks.  Eating was the same way.  I knew having a chocolate bar was wrong. So if I was going to be wrong, then fuck it let’s really be wrong and eat 2 or 3 chocolate bars…right?! I mean if you are going to be bad…then be bad, don’t tiptoe around it and try to justify it to yourself.  So as the pounds slowly added on to my frame and the scale no longer told me how much I weighed it was easy to just continue to on the path of eating myself to death.  I mean really, what was the difference between buying a 4X shirt and a 5X shirt….I guess I drew the line at 6X…Ha.

I masked much of my depression with humor…much of it being self deprecating humor.  Someone once said to me that I had a great since of humor about my weight…Uh yeah…it is not like I can hide the fact that I weigh 400+ lbs.  I mean when you are almost ALWAYS the biggest person in the room you can’t hide that.  So I hid my embarrassment and just joked about it…I felt if I could disarm everyone else before they could take the shot at me it was easier to deal with.  Another person has since asked me what I was going to joke about when I got “skinny”…my response to that was I guess I go back to small dick jokes when the time comes.  I know…I know…but sophomoric humor still gets a laugh.

I read early on in my research of weight loss surgery about a startling statistic.  The article I read said that 75% of couples will divorce within 2 years after one of the parties in the marriage has weight loss surgery.  I thought to myself that number could not be right…I mean really… 75% is a huge number! I think it was Mark Twain that said there are lies, damn lies and then there are statistics.  Unfortunately I guess today I believe that divorce statistic as I will most likely be divorced before my 1 year surgery anniversary date. So there is my revelation…it appears that I am headed down the long and painful road named “divorce.”  While I have been fairly honest with this blog I am not ready to air all my dirty laundry for the world to see. So the exact reasons I will not share…at least at this time.  I can tell you that the problems that are causing this separation were eroding the marriage before the surgery and many were magnified as I went through the pre-op process.  It takes two people to get married and two people to get divorced.  I am just as much at fault for this failure as anyone and will own up to ALL of my short comings and misgivings throughout the process.

So I guess I decided to share most of everything with all of you…A few of my loyal readers were already in the know on this and it isn’t a surprise.  For the others…well stay tuned as things will certainly get interesting these next few months.