The dark side of the scale….

darth_vaderWith this whole hurry up an wait process, one’s mind has a lot of opportunity to wander into places it shouldn’t. Most of the time I am very positive and look at before and after pictures others have posted…thinking you know what?…that is going to be me. I look at things that are hard for me to do right now and think…you know what, in 6 months or so I will be able to achieve that. I sit and think a visualize some times about things that I used to do and how badly I want to do them again. And I use the thoughts as motivators to start the healthy process now. Then there is the other places that the mind like to wander to…the dark side of the scale. These are the thoughts that aren’t pleasant and play devil’s advocate with me. First of all it is surgery, and while I am not being laid open it is still pretty damn invasive. Also, not knowing exactly what I will wake up to. The doctor isn’t sure he will be able to the RnY procedure so the fall back is the gastric sleeve. Both of these procedures have after effects that are different on the physiology of the body. And then I think…will I actually wake up from all of this? The bariatric center to the best of my knowledge in the last 10 years has only lost one patient on the table….Obviously I don’t want to be number two. I know that is a morbid thought, but the mind will think what it wants to think. And the thought of not coming home from this is a fear…albeit a very small fear and one that will not keep me from going forward, but it does cross my mind. Will I be happy after the fact that I have made a change to my body that I can’t undo?…this is definitely a bell that can’t be un-rung. What effects will it actually have on me and both mental and physical? When I start losing weight how will it really change my appearance? Will it make me look older?….damn I hope not…I would like to think it will make me look younger…much younger…but who knows what will happen. I have seen before and after photos of people that after such a dramatic loss of weight they just don’t look healthy and it looks like they aged 10 years. It scares me a little about that possibility. I recently told someone that this surgery is about longevity and not vanity, and I do believe this to be the truth, but hey I am also human so I do have some vanity. What will the effects be on my family and my relationship with my spouse? Again, I think this will all be positive, I want them to be positive…but there are no guarantees here. All of these things will not cause me to stop the process I am on…I truly believe for me this is the right thing. I have the support from people that love me. But when my mind goes idle…sometimes these are the things that I think about.

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