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I told you I was going to lie to you….

So in the post I am going to talk a little bit about my first night in the hospital the ensuing morning and the the upper GI leak test and then get me home the following day.

So after I did get up and walk for a short bit…and I mean a short bit.  I shuffled maybe 15 steps with my trusty side kick nurse Sarah who was hiding the back of my gown so I was showing my ass to the world.  Though with the amount of drugs in my system, I really could have cared less. After my stroll I settled into my bed to watch a little basketball and try to just rest..it had been a long day.

I drifted in and out of sleep typically waking when someone wanted to poke me with a needle, take my vitals, or the alarm would go off when my IV bag ran out.  Sometime after midnight I woke to raised voices and heard a man in the room across the hall from me tell a nurse “I told you I was going to lie to you, and that is exactly what I did!”  This was in a voice loud enough that I think they heard it on two floors down.  She calmly responded…”sir, if you are not going to calm down I will have to call security”…to which his eloquent reply was…. “I don’t give a fuck who you have to call…go ahead call’em!”  After that I am not sure who they called or what they gave him, and when my nurse came in my room to draw blood at 4:30am, I asked her about it, but due to HIPAA regulations she wasn’t going to tell me anything except the patient wouldn’t be on our floor any more.  Say Hallelujah!!!

So as I mentioned, my night nurse Cathi, came in about 4:30AM to get me up to draw some blood, give me a morphine cocktail and see if I wanted to go for a walk.  She warned me that I would need to walk at least 3 times on the second day.  Feeling a little better I decided that what the hell, since I was up.  Cathi grabbed a second gown and hung it around my neck like a cape and sent me on my way down the hall looking like Superman in a hospital gown. I am sure it was quite a sight.

I walked up and down the hall and came back and actually sat up in chair in my room waiting until I was picked up to go do my Upper GI test.  I drifted on and off to sleep sitting in my chair and at a little before 7:00AM that morning, cousins of Laurel and Hardy picked me up in a wheelchair and set off to take me to radiology.

Now I have already been fair warned about this Upper GI test by multiple sources.  Everyone told me that I would have to drink a Barium cocktail and they also told me that it will be one of the nastiest things I ever tasted.  Well, I am here to say that they did not disappoint, and I can honestly say that was by far the nastiest thing I ever had to drink.  Now what nobody failed to fucking mention was that I dad to take not one, not two, not three, not four….but FIVE sips of this shit tasting cocktail as they kept taking x-rays from different positions.  And then the topper is they won’t give you anything to rinse your mouth out with until they can view the pictures to make sure that I don’t have any internal leaks.  So 15 minutes after sitting in an uncomfortable wheelchair they finally gave me  the green light and I was able to rinse the awful taste of the Barium from my mouth. You would think that with at all the advancements in medicine, someone could have figured out how to make this stuff taste better.

Well…I could give you a minute by minute account of the rest of the stay in the hospital, but it was largely uneventful after that.  The only other two highlights were getting to actually sip on fluids and then there was the removal of the catheter.  I will tell you that first of all I was pretty damn happy that they installed the thing when I was asleep, and second of all they may say it is painless when they take it out, but they are slightly exaggerating the painless part.  Trusty nurse Sarah got to do the dirty deed, luckily I don’t get embarrassed easy and she just flipped up my gown and said this won’t take long.  Honestly I had a lot of jokes chambered for this moment, but when a woman is getting ready to yank something out of your urethra I want a steady hand and don’t need her laughing at anything else.  Sarah handled the job professionally and was left feeling like a wine bottle that just had its cork pulled.

The following morning my surgeon cleared me to leave the hospital and I just waited for my wife to pick me up and get me home.

We are almost getting caught up….to be continued.

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